Experts warn against adults learning to roller skate

Warning: roller-skating can cause a decrease in adult worries, and an increase in childlike wonder. For Immediate Release:

Vancouver, BC, April 1, 2016 – The founders of Raw Meat Vancouver Roller Skating have revealed that over the five and half years of roller skating instruction, the group was secretly conducting a long-term study on the behavioral effects of roller-skating on adults. Today, the shocking results are in: roller-skating causes an immediate and sustained increase in child-like and irresponsible behavior, and should be avoided in responsible adults.

The longitudinal study shows that adults who learn to roller skate show many disturbing behavioral changes:

  • Household maintenance (sweeping, scrubbing toilets, etc.): – 3 hours/week
  • Skating the Stanley Park seawall: +4 hours/week
  • Purchase of boring black socks: 96% decrease
  • Purchase of multicoloured socks: 96% increase
  • Average number of animal print leggings owned before learning to skate: 0.5
  • Average number of animal print leggings owned after learning to skate: 4.83

“We’re shocked by the findings,” says roller skating coach Melinda Johnston. “We always knew that roller skating induced feelings of euphoria and bliss, but we hadn’t realized the extent to which grown adults would abandon responsible, adult behavior and start playing like kids. It’s shocking, really.”

Roller-skating creates behavioral changes almost immediately, and effects can last for years. A staggering 100% of new skaters report that their first session was fun—an unprecedented finding. The experience of “fun” continues after years of skating. An analysis of the social media posts of past participants of Raw Meat Vancouver Roller Skating shows that, after a period of years, they still look forward to roller-skating, and are prepared to delay other, more socially beneficial activities, such as filing taxes or cutting the grass, because of the lure of skating.

“Given that roller-skating encourages participants to decrease responsible adult behaviors like worrying, stressing, and sitting down without moving, while increasing the amount of irresponsible, child-like behaviors such as laughing, joking, and playing outdoors, it’s not recommended for serious adults,” explains Johnston.

While the results of this study clearly indicate that all roller skating activities should immediately cease for the good of society, Raw Meat Roller Skating is locked into a contract, and therefore skating sessions will continue for the foreseeable future. Sessions are 5 to 7 PM at Thunderbird Community Centre, 2311 Cassiar St., on April 2 and April 9. Starting on April 16, sessions move to Royal City Curling Club, 75 East 6th Avenue in New Westminster, from 10 AM to noon every Saturday.

However, serious adults who wish to continue worrying, stressing about the future and being sedentary are advised to avoid these sessions.